PART 18 – When Ethan Asked Whether Tomorrow Would Feel Normal Again, I Realized That I Could Offer Him Care Without Pretending to Know What Came Next

After he finished eating, Ethan put his plate down and leaned back.

He looked toward the window.

The glass had turned dark enough to reflect the living room.

For a moment, I could see both of us in it.

I saw my arm resting along the couch.

I saw the blanket across his knees.

I saw a mother who wanted an answer badly enough that she had nearly forgotten how to sit still.

I looked away from the reflection.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Will I go to school tomorrow?"

I paused.

It would have been easy to answer based on what usually happened on a school night.

But this wasn't an ordinary evening, and I didn't know what arrangements might be necessary.

"We'll decide when we know what we need to do," I told him.

He frowned slightly.

"I don't want everyone asking me questions."

My chest tightened.

I understood why he might feel that way.

Adults had been talking about him for hours.

Even when they spoke quietly, he knew the conversations were about something that had happened to him.

"I understand," I said.

He looked at me as though he wanted to know whether I truly did.

I took his hand.

"You don't have to figure everything out tonight."

He looked down at our hands.

"Okay."

I wanted to tell him that nobody would ask him anything else.

I couldn't promise that.

What I could do was make sure I didn't add unnecessary questions of my own.

I could also ask Detective Alvarez to explain any next steps in a way Ethan could understand.

When she returned, I raised the concern.

I told her Ethan was tired and worried about being questioned again.

She listened and explained what we should expect as far as she could at that point.

I paid attention.

I didn't ask her to promise that there would never be another question.

Instead, I asked what I should do if Ethan became overwhelmed.

She gave me guidance, and I made sure I understood it.

Afterward, I explained the parts Ethan needed to know in simple words.

He listened without interrupting.

When I finished, he asked whether he could rest.

"Of course."

He settled back against the couch.

I adjusted the blanket and moved the cup farther from the edge of the table.

Then I sat beside him.

I thought about the barber again.

I remembered the ordinary beginning of the visit and the moment the clippers stopped.

I remembered how quickly my mind had filled with questions.

But I still didn't know what the barber had seen or what it meant.

Repeating the memory could not make those facts appear.

I had to accept that there were limits to what I could discover by thinking alone.

Ethan shifted closer to me.

I rested my hand on his shoulder.

He didn't ask another question.

I didn't ask one either.

We sat together while the officers continued their work elsewhere in the house.

I couldn't make tomorrow normal by promising that it would be.

I could make this moment gentler by not demanding that my son help me understand everything.

For now, that was something I could do.

Click here to continue reading: PART 19: I Stopped Trying to Force the Day Into an Explanation and Focused on What I Could Honestly Tell Ethan About the Questions Still Unanswered