PART 4 – With Maggie Barely Awake Beside Me, I Had to Tell the Paramedic She Might Have Been Suffering for Four Days

I wished I could change my answer.

That was the thought I couldn't get rid of.

The paramedic had asked how long Maggie had been in this condition.

I had said several days.

At least three.

Possibly four.

Nothing about those words made me feel like a good husband.

I looked at her lying beside me.

I could see how little strength she had left.

I wanted to believe I had done everything possible.

But I couldn't stop thinking about the time.

Four days was a long time.

Long enough for things to change.

Long enough for someone to become much worse.

I rubbed Maggie's hand.

She didn't pull away.

She didn't squeeze back either.

The paramedic adjusted her oxygen mask once more.

I watched him carefully.

"Is she awake?"

He looked at her.

"She's responding."

I nodded.

"All right."

I held on to that word.

Responding.

It meant she was still aware of something around her.

It meant when I spoke, there was a chance she knew I was there.

I leaned closer.

"Maggie?"

Her eyes opened.

I felt my shoulders loosen.

"Can you see me?"

She looked toward my face.

I smiled before I could stop myself.

"Okay."

Her eyelids began to lower.

I wanted to ask her to keep them open.

I didn't.

I had seen how difficult it was.

"Rest, sweetheart."

She closed her eyes.

I kept holding her hand.

The paramedic continued his work.

He seemed to know what needed doing without stopping to think.

I envied that.

I had nothing to do but watch and wait.

I asked him whether he needed any more information.

"Not right now."

I sat back.

My hands were trembling a little.

I pressed one against my leg while the other remained around Maggie's fingers.

I tried to keep still.

It didn't help much.

I could still hear the siren.

I could still feel the movement of the vehicle.

And I could still see how weak Maggie was.

The paramedic glanced at me.

"You're doing fine."

I looked down.

I didn't feel fine.

I felt frightened.

I felt useless.

Most of all, I felt ashamed that I could tell him so little.

Maggie and I had lived so much of our lives together.

Yet here I was, unable to explain properly what had happened over the past few days.

I wanted to say more.

But there was nothing in the information I had that could make the answer better.

I looked at her face again.

Her eyes remained shut.

The mask covered her mouth.

Her hand rested quietly inside mine.

I traced a small circle over her knuckles with my thumb.

I had done that before without even noticing.

Now I did it deliberately.

I wanted her to feel something familiar.

I wanted her to know she was not alone.

After another moment, her eyelids lifted.

I moved closer immediately.

"There you are."

She looked at me.

I saw recognition in her eyes.

At least, that was what I believed I saw.

I held her gaze as long as she could manage it.

Then she closed her eyes.

I remained beside her.

I didn't ask anything else.

No more questions.

No requests for her to speak.

She was already working hard enough just to stay aware of where she was.

I finally understood that.

The paramedic reached toward the equipment again.

I moved aside to give him room.

He checked Maggie carefully.

I watched without speaking.

I had spent the ride hoping someone would explain everything to me.

Why she was so weak.

Why she could barely keep her eyes open.

Why she had become this ill.

None of those answers was available to me in that moment.

I only knew what I could see.

My wife was seriously unwell.

She had been that way for days.

And I was sitting beside her in an ambulance, holding her hand while someone else tried to help her.

It was not the place I wanted us to be.

But it was where we were.

So I stayed close.

I watched her breathe.

And when Maggie opened her eyes once more, she found me waiting beside her.

Click here to continue reading: PART 5: The Ambulance Kept Moving, and I Began to Understand How Much Maggie Needed the People Caring for Her