PART 17 – The Answer I Had Been Waiting For Did Not Come Easily

I waited beside the window with my phone resting on the desk behind me.

I had sent Carter a message asking for an honest conversation.

Now I had to allow him the time to answer it.

That was harder than I expected.

Every few minutes, I found myself looking toward the desk.

I would remind myself that I had already said what I needed to say.

Then I would wonder whether I should have chosen different words.

Perhaps I should have explained more.

Perhaps I should have explained less.

Perhaps the message had sounded colder than I intended.

I caught myself doing it again.

I was trying to manage Carter's reaction before he had even given one.

I stopped and looked at the dress.

It remained on its hanger, untouched.

The fabric was smooth, and the sleeves fell exactly as they had when I first brought it home.

I remembered standing in front of the mirror months earlier, imagining the day I would wear it.

Back then, I had thought the hardest part of getting married would be choosing the right dress and making sure everything was ready.

I had never imagined that I would spend the morning of my wedding wondering whether I should wear it at all.

My phone vibrated.

I turned so quickly that I nearly knocked the chair beside me.

Carter's name appeared on the screen.

For a moment, I could not bring myself to open the message.

I wanted his response to be reassuring.

I wanted him to understand.

I also wanted to know what he truly thought, even if the answer disappointed me.

I picked up the phone.

His message was short.

He said he was frustrated by the situation and did not understand why I was questioning our marriage on the morning of the wedding.

He said we needed to talk.

He did not ask how I was feeling.

He did not mention the cut near my ear.

He did not acknowledge that I had been frightened by waking up with my hair cut unevenly.

I read the message twice.

Then I set the phone down.

I had to remind myself that one message could not explain everything Carter felt.

Perhaps he was upset.

Perhaps he was struggling to understand why I needed time.

Perhaps he believed that continuing with the wedding would make the morning feel less terrible.

I could not know.

But I could recognize what the message had left unanswered.

I had asked him to listen.

He had told me that he was frustrated.

Both things could be true.

The problem was that I still did not know whether he could make room for my feelings alongside his own.

I sat down at the desk.

I did not want to turn the message into a verdict.

I wanted to give the conversation a chance.

So I replied that I was willing to talk, but I needed us to discuss more than the schedule.

I asked him to meet me somewhere quiet where we could speak without other people interrupting.

Then I waited.

This time, I did not keep picking up the phone.

I folded my hands and looked at the window.

I thought about the advice Arthur had given me years earlier.

He had warned me that some people might see an inheritance before they saw the person who received it.

He had not told me to assume that every person who loved me was lying.

He had asked me to learn the difference between someone who wanted to share a life with me and someone who wanted the advantages that came with it.

I had always believed I would recognize the difference.

I had thought dishonesty would announce itself through some obvious act.

I had never considered how difficult it might be to separate genuine affection from the smaller things that made me uneasy.

A person could say loving words and still struggle to listen.

A person could be frustrated without being cruel.

A person could care about a relationship and still behave badly when that relationship became inconvenient.

The truth was rarely as simple as I wanted it to be.

That did not mean I should stop paying attention.

My phone vibrated again.

Carter agreed to meet.

I read his response and let out a breath I had not realized I was holding.

We settled on a quiet place where we could talk privately.

I did not ask him to apologize before we met.

I did not tell him what he had to say.

I wanted to hear his own words.

Before leaving the desk, I looked at the note I had written earlier.

Three questions.

Did Carter love me?

Did he respect me?

Could I tell him the truth without being punished for it?

I folded the paper and placed it in my bag.

I was not bringing it to use against him.

I was bringing it because I knew how easily I could lose sight of my own concerns when someone I loved became upset.

I wanted to remember what mattered to me.

Then I looked at the wedding dress one last time.

I still had not decided what would happen to the ceremony.

I still did not know whether Carter and I could find a way forward.

But I was going to speak to him honestly.

That was the only promise I could make with confidence.

I picked up my phone and checked the time.

The day was moving forward.

For the first time, I was not measuring its progress by how close I was to walking down the aisle.

I was measuring it by how close I was to understanding my own decision.

Click here to continue reading: PART 18: I Asked Him to Listen Before He Asked Me to Decide